Another one?

"Why do you want another?"

"Isn't three enough?"

"Do you want more kids?"

Do I want more kids?

The truth? Three is enough. Three is hard.  Three is exhausting. Last year, at one point of being in the throws of potty training, talking back, and disobedience...I didn't think I ever wanted more kids.

But God doesn't ask what I want.

I don't want more kids because I feel like our family isn't complete. I don't want more kids because I want an even amount of boys and girls....I don't want more kids because I think I can handle it, or because I think I'm supermom. I assure you, that is definitely not the case. (Although my sweet husband makes me think otherwise, God bless him. Seriously, God bless that man.)  I honestly don't know if I can handle it, not in my own weaknesses. I can't potty train another kid. I don't know if we can afford to send four to college. I don't know if we can afford to feed four teenagers. For those who feed my kids at church every Sunday, can I get an Amen?

It's not about what we can handle. It's about what HE can handle. God doesn't care about what I can handle. The saying, "He won't give you more than you can handle?" It makes me cringe. Because it's not biblical. (you will not be tempted without God providing a way of escape 1 Cor 10:13 is often misquoted. with temptation, we have a choice. with suffering, we don't)  It's a nice little saying, just not accurate. ;)

Adopting isn't about me. It's not about what I thought our family would look like like seven years ago. It's about saying yes to the path God has placed before us. It's about relying on His power in me to raise these children into brave, bold, followers of Christ.  I love Paxton as a mother. More importantly, I have the love of Christ for him.

I look around and wonder what will happen when we bring Paxton home. Will he grieve for weeks? Months? Years? Will he behave have trouble attaching to us? To our children? Will our older kids feel left out? Unloved? Will it take a toll on our marriage? I cannot let the fears of the what ifs stop me from bringing life and hope to the present.

I don't want to think about what I want anymore. I don't want to focus on what I can handle or what I can do on my own (which isn't much). The privilege of walking this path, it's overwhelming. It's terrifying. It's exhausting. It's humbling. It's exciting. It's thrilling. But the best part is seeing God work through it.

To see the Lord working and getting glorified through something you almost didn't say yes to because of fear? That feels me with immense joy. Seeing what he is able to do when I let go of myself- wow. The trust I have for my Father is grater than any fear I have.

That's why I want to add another child to our family.

Obedience is very simple; but it is not always easy.

Disclaimer- I am no English major. I tend to write like I talk, which isn't always so graceful.
So please give me grace for any errors. ;)

Kim